Trying to get pregnant can make you crazy. Trying to get pregnant again after losing a baby could practically be an A&E Intervention episode.
You possess both an insane amount of optimism (you didn’t get to the point of trying again without that) and also a paranoia that understandably, cannot be reasoned with.
You will take more pregnancy tests than is psychiatrically advisable. You’ll decide to buy them in bulk because that seems like the financially responsible to do. You will wonder if they are less effective because they cost 90% less than what you can get them at the drugstore for. But you did buy the best reviewed brand on Amazon so you will mostly ignore that thought.
You will forget to ignore that thought and take 3 tests in a row one morning because maybe the test is cheap/ineffective.
Another time it will be because you drank more water than usual the day before and so obviously your urine was too diluted. At least once, you will run back upstairs and pull a test out of the garbage because while you are making breakfast you’ll convince yourself that you didn’t give the test long enough before throwing away.
You will decide that being able to test HCG levels may not even be good for humans and that you’re just going to wait for your period to show up or not on the next round.
You will order tea for your uterus.
You will order it for a friend and send it to her too.
You will have too much sex while ovulating and not enough the rest of the time. Your partner will be cooperative but distracted, not completely sure what their role is or what you really need from them.
You will convince yourself that the random cramp/headache/dream you just had surely means that you are pregnant.
You will alternate between not drinking at all and thinking “hell – could be my last chance in awhile!!”.
You will be afraid that maybe you are going off the deep end some days.
One day, you’ll get pregnant (who knows if it was the tea, or the sex, or the book about letting go you’ve been reading bits and pieces of before bed). Things will be more or less the same as they were before – constantly shuffling through the rolodex of feelings, constantly having to check in and remind yourself to stay connected and present.
But something will also feel different.
A deep, growing voice inside of you will remind you that it’s ok to hope, ok to fully experience this thing that you’ve been fighting so hard for. To relax into it, and to know that no matter what you do and no matter what happens, this new life will find it’s own way into being. You’re just lucky enough to be along for the ride.